hi again,
it's nice to have some time alone to write by myself. this past month has been super crazy and so much has changed. hopefully i can capture some of the feelings i went through this month... i really need to write more often so i can cover everything since my mind is kind of all over the place these days.
since the last time i wrote, i've:
- moved into a new apartment
- started using my desktop again
- started going out a bit more
- joined the SAC discord
- unpacked (almost) all of my stuff into my new room
- got a blanket & pillow (lol)
- lost 5lbs (yikes)
- started going to the gym again
- hungout with some old friends
- stopped hanging out with some recent friends
- started staying up much later than i normally do while still waking up around the same times i normally do
i'm both amazed and disappointed with how much has changed between jazley and i. I feel like a month ago, i was so in the middle about how i felt and it was really confusing to navigate through those feelings since i definitely still have strong feelings about her.
today, at least right now as i'm writing this, i feel much more polarized where i dont really want to talk to her as much as i did. this is actually really sad to me, because i've always felt like the moment you stop caring is the when the feelings start to fade and people start to grow apart. i think its the indifference that is really scary (i'm tearing just thinking about this) because its horrifying to me how you can feel indifferent towards someone who you had such real, intimate, and strong feelings about whether its a significant other, best friend, family, just someone who was really precious to you.
although incredibly heartbreaking and sad, i think given our situations and our different wants and needs, i think it's inevitable for us. it's also just incredibly sad that sometimes it feels like our wants are completely opposite each other, meaning that it's really difficult for us be happy together and that it feels like if i'm happy, she's sad and if she's happy, i'm sad.
i hope that i never stop caring (not just about jazley, but in general), because i'd like to think that i can keep my heart open to feeling and vulnurable. for the most part, i think i'm doing ok, although i (stupidly) still get so flustered whenever i think about jazley and edwin, especially after what she told me about irishia's house warming party. but that's another story and another issue that i'm working on. i've been pretty good about just letting it go since it shouldn't be any of my concern, but it occasionally sticks around in my mind for longer than i'd like.
anyways, thanks for coming to my TED talk and self reflections, i hope that i can write again soon.
cheers