hey there,
this is kind of weird for me, really weird actually. i have so much to say but i'm having a really hard time getting any words out of me (verbally and textually). anyways, here goes...
i wont even sugarcoat it, i've been an absolute mess these last couple months. i really do feel like a different person these days. my heart hurts and some days it takes up most of my mental capacity to not cry. i've noticed it's hard for me to focus and be productive, my appetite is pretty much nonexistent, and everything i see reminds me of jazley. i cant even write this without crying, it's really annoying.
i want to come back and write more about my week, but i really have so much to say i want to span it across multiple posts so that i can capture everything. let me start with yesterday and today:
yesterday, jazley and i got dinner at hopdoddy. it went horribly. we got pretty much the normal order, a magic shroom burger, an order of parmesean truffle fries, and a chocolate shake. i did want to get a bison burger, but i wasn't sure if she would like it, so i went with something i know that she'd like. i had a lot i wanted to say, like how i'm kind of upset at her for being so intimate with edwin, even though i know that she really did nothing wrong. we are broken up and really, even if we were together, she's not 'mine' to control and to tell who she can and can't see (this is something i struggled with a lot with when we were together). but, i did want to express how i am starting to feel some bitterness and resentment over our past relationship.
my greatest insecurity during our relationship was her intimacy with edwin. and with all the stuff that's happened in the last couple months, it's really making me rethink how she felt about me and how she felt about him during our relationship. the worst part is, i dont think my questions will ever be answered. i'm starting to question all those times that she said "dont worry about him", or "i love you, not him". and, i get it, i've been in the same situation with sandra and with kate. they both saw jazley as a threat to our relationship, rightfully so, and the same words came out of my mouth too. "we're just friends", "i'm with you aren't i?", "it's never going to happen". so maybe, i'm really just mad at myself because maybe i knew that this would happen? but then again, why would i stay in a relationship for 26 months even though i had some doubts in the back of my mind. why didn't i say anything?
these are all great questions that i'll probably never know the answer to. and i hope that i can stop going down this rabbithole that just leads to more "what if's".
anyways... jazley just asked me if i wanted to go to daiso. and as much as i know i'm going to regret it, of course i said i wanted to go. i need to clean up a little and wash my face before i go.
if you're reading this, i know my thoughts are all over the place. i do think that this was slightly therapudic and could really help. i've considred going to therapy but this could be a cheaper alternative. thanks for listening.
cheers, me